Father Rice’s “A Real Man”
Dedicated to Brian Christopher Kearns
Brian is my stepson who came home from RPI at Christmas last year and admonished his little brother David (quite politely I might add) not to get his fingerprints on his “cover” – his Navy ROTC “cover” not his hat! His “Cover”. By the way, he said, “You need a haircut!”
Oh God! How close the apples fall from the tree! It frightens me so! – February 12, 1995, R. A. Van Sickle
November, 1994
Dear Brian,
Last winter, as I sat around the fireplace, I was talking with your little brother, David. He had asked me about when I was planning to die. I told him that I wanted to live a long life, so I could watch him grow up. As I said that, I began to think about this promised book (18th birthday as I recall) and how much I’m looking forward to watching you in your growing up and watching as you experience the joys to come in your lifetime.
You’ve really already grown up and have experienced some priceless events. You’re into a very exciting period of higher education and the prospect of rich new friendships is on your horizon. As you find yourself continuing to carve out a new life at RPI in New York, it will really be a clean break from the nest and a fresh new chapter in your life. It’s one I know you will enjoy and one in which you will soar to great heights!
In a number of other societies, young men run a gauntlet, leap from tall jungle towers with bungi vines stopping their dive inches from the ground, get their skin lacerated and in other places, receive accolades from the synagog’s elders while espousing their own life’s mission statement and charting their courses. These rites of passage provide a strong sense of direction to the young man. They engage the clutch and shift them into a higher gear. Everyone in these other cultures knows of the rites and they observe and support them.
Growing up in the United States in the Midwest, in a white, Christian, suburban setting, there are precious few rites of passage. There are few if any, formal routes for older men to impart their advice to younger men as they grow into more mature roles of manhood. The Boy Scout’s Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clear, and Reverant are a good start, but the men and boys don’t spend a lot of time talking about these virtues. The 10 commandments have received a steady push by Dr. Rouver over the years, I have to admit, but I’m not sure that all of the younger men in the congregation always “got it”.
As a subculture of our larger society, we older guys, more or less, live our lives out and hopefully set good examples for the younger men to emulate. Speaking for myself, I don’t think that is the best way to get the message across…simply because there are many failed attempts at “living it right” by the older men and painfully too little dialog to communicate our real, heartfelt thoughts.
With all of this introduction as a kind of explanation, I’m taking the time to write to you, Brian, about the things in my life that I consider very valuable. These are things I really hope will mean something to you and may be helpful to you as you make your way through the years ahead. I’ll be very direct and to the point as I know you to be an extremely bright and understanding young man. I feel confident that you’ll see through the fact that I haven’t always “walked my talk” but that because I haven’t, I’ve run perilously close to that great dark abyss and can be permitted license to engage in some beneficial pontification….if, perhaps for no other reason because I’m a strong believer in these things now, if not before.
The three-day silent retreats at Demontreville, led by the Jesuits, featured a very interesting conference on what “real Men” were. Much of what is contained here is from that conference. Other reflections come from my personal experiences. Rather Dick Rick, presently at Eden Prairie’s PAX Christi Church authored and presented the series.
I’ve kept other valuable lesson notes along my life’s journey. Some of you have already heard me weave into a few speeches. Others are tucked away in books and family bibles. Perhaps we can share them along the way. The death of my father was sad at the time that it happened. But in many ways, it has become sadder to me years later because I’ve realized that he never really talked to me about these things. He loved me and was a good Dad and was a good provider to our family. But we didn’t talk much. The reason I’m writing this is to be sure I say it to you. I’ll rely on you to really read it and to get it. In this world, there are some people who “get it” and a lot of people who “don’t get it”. I know you are the one who does. I hope we can talk about life and what it means to live life to the fullest in talks along the way. That would mean a lot to me. The back pages of this book are empty now. Perhaps you might feel so inclined to jot down your reflections on life as they unfold. Perhaps you’ll want to re-write the book someday as a gift to your son…who knows?
PROLOGUE
Fathers & Sons – Part I
King David on his deathbed called for his son. David charged Solomon, his son, saying: “I go the way of all the earth. Be strong, therefore, and prove yourself a man.” He left to his son Solomon all of his kingdom with his mighty army to back him up. His instructions were, in essence, to take courage and be a man! After the king’s death, all allegiance was paid to Solomon and he was off and running. But… “How am I to be a man” must surely have come across his mind. David had clearly told him who to look out for…who to kill when the time was right. But, there’s one huge piece of living that lies in between those two instructions. A whole lot of living that needed an instruction book.
In my growing-up years (which are still happening to me at age 53), I’ve searched for answers to the same question. “How am I to be a man”. “What do real men do in these circumstances?” and “Where do I look for answers to these questions?”
I found some examples of real men displayed to me by my father, Everett, by teachers, by men at Central Park Church in Omaha, by relatives, by a father-in-law, then later another father-in-law, by countless men and officers of the Marine Corps and men in the business and professional world I find myself in now. Later, men at Colonial Church in Minnesota and a network of others connected by friendship or some other tie. . . all displayed examples, some good and some not so good for me to witness and to contemplate. After 53 years, I have certainly discovered a great deal about what a real man is. It would have been a lot easier for me to have explored these questions at age 20 and to have dug deeper for the answers then, rather than later. That wasn’t at all clear to me then. Fathers and sons don’t often spend the time necessary for this digging and exploring. It is a sad, hollow feeling to think that Hugh Hefner’s Playboy magazine messages and the inexperienced young friends I ran with took the place of meaningful questioning and dialogue with my father. But, that was the way it was. I was left with the image of John Wayne’s stoic, silent strength and stuffed feelings as the role model of choice. The fast cars, black velvet booze, satin sheets, and aftershave that made us smell like musk oxen were the Playboy directions for being a real man.
There are far different messages that were more elusive and that took longer to bring into focus for me. My gift to you, Brian, is to spell out some of these lessons learned that may lead you to a future that is already bright for you but will lead you there perhaps with more happiness and joy than may have been there without these words.
You are a first-born son to your Mother and Father…a special person to them, to be sure. You’ve become a special person to me as well. I’m excited about your future. I hope you enjoy the chapters that follow and that we can both enjoy talking with each other more about what it means to be a man.
Semper Fidelis, Dick
CHAPTER ONE
Real Men Are Afraid
“But John Wayne was never afraid. If he was he wouldn’t show it. Stuff it and overcome the fear, that’s what I think you must do!”. That was my backdrop of fear. The last thing I would think of doing was to talk about it or to show it. Those were not the right things to do.
John Wayne’s heroics were in Studio 5. If he was being shot at for real, his shorts would be in the laundry bag with the others. Fear is an interior alarm system going off. It signals danger. It signals failure sometimes. Sometimes, it may signal rejection. It is ok to admit that we’re afraid. Moms, Dads, wives, true friends….all are safe folks to share your fears with. The big problem is, in my case, knowing what’s really going on with me. My feelings are not always evident, so I’m not always sure when I’m afraid. With a directive personality style, I tend to lash out when I’m afraid. With a Steady personality style, you may retreat in silence when afraid. Men, in general, have a heck of a time understanding their feelings. Most men don’t know their feelings from a catcher’s mitt and never do learn.
To tell your Mother I’m afraid about the economy, about how my work is going (or isn’t going) is to let go and not “white knuckle” it. I’ve found that it is okay to let my fears surface and to talk them away. Silent prayers as I lay awake early in the morning, worrying over something, really help. I can tell God I’m afraid too and that helps me a lot. Worrying is sort of like sitting in a rocking chair. It takes up time and feels good at the time, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Courage can really be seen by me now as a fear that’s said its prayers. Or, fear that’s been shared with others I trust.
CHAPTER TWO
Real Men Remember
Men tend to walk away from our problems. “Stuff it, that will surely take care of it” Another fallacy in my life, I’ve found out. There are good reasons to remember and surface what may have been problems. Talk about them and then, send them on their way. There are also wonderful reasons to remember.
Your special arrival day, September 17th will be fondly remembered always by your parents. We have beautiful holidays to remember, Thanksgiving is actually my favorite. It brings back great memories of home, my parents, and some important relatives. Christmas and the joy of Jesus’ birth. New Year and a time to pause…to remember the year past and to reflect on the future. Valentine’s Day is a day to remember those we truly love and hold in high esteem. Easter is a time to remember Christ’s suffering, resurrection, and victory. Memorial Day’s remembrances of loved ones who have died. This is a special time to remember and to be grateful for the memories and to honor those close to us that have gone ahead. Your trip with your Mom and me to Yuma for Mike’s funeral had a big impact on me. I made a copy of a letter that was written by a Minneapolis musician, a Marine who served in the Vietnam era. It’s a wonderful testimony for remembering. (See appendix # copy of the article “Remember that to be a Real man don’t take life for granted but rather, as it has been granted. It’s important to take stock every now and then…to realize all of the great gifts we’ve been given and to be grateful for them. I’m grateful for being able to be included in your life, Brian. You’ve brought me a lot of happiness and joy. You have a tremendous mind and a drive to pack a lot into your life. Your choices are outstanding and I’m looking forward to the opportunity to learn a lot from you about engineering, the Navy, and about your fraternity. We’ve talked a lot about relationships and recently in the context of the partnering process. One key part of the foundation of relationships…good, strong relationships, is trust and also gratitude for one another. Without them, the relationships crumble.
Men (and women too!) are like wide receivers throughout our whole lives. We are constantly looking for that ball of gratitude to be passed to us.
Jesus caught a Superbowl pass when he waded out of the Jordan River and God said to Him for all to hear – “You are my beloved son in whom I am well pleased”. Music to our ears!!
I always knew my Dad thought that of me, but I never heard it much. It’s important to say it often, especially to women. Things said out loud like “I really love you and am grateful for the day I met and married you and for all the hard work you do care for me (and the children)”. It goes a long way.
I’m grateful to God for being faithful to me and for being there when I most need Him. It’s tougher for me to be grateful when everything is going smoothly though. I kind of forget where it all comes from!
To take time each day and to be grateful is important. Even if I’ve slipped up and forgotten to be that way, it’s easy to get back in gear.
It’s important to concentrate on the here and now and the future, rather than get hung up on the past.
CHAPTER FOUR
Real Men Forgive
Men tend to walk away from conflict…from being hurt. They put up with it, sometimes for life or for many years. Then, anger that is damned up often comes out as rage to mark the spot where the hurt is. The Sunday comics even conspire to teach us to harbor a grudge and to keep the hurt and the hatred inside. Haggar The Horrible, one of my favorites, says to his buddy over the table (in a reflective mood), “Friends come and go, but ahhh, now you take a good enemy…they last a lifetime!” He’ll continue to harbor anger and hurt for that enemy so that he can be assured of having him (as an enemy) for life. People carry a grudge so they can play both judge and jury. So they can hand out a “sentence of silence”. To do that is to set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and hurt. When Terry Anderson was freed by his terrorist captures after 6-½ years, he forgave them. Likewise, the Pope entered the prison and confronted his assassin and forgave the man.
Sometimes people whom we have hurt say to us…”Oh, just forget it”. Men often say this, but don’t really forgive the other. (On the other hand, there are those who are quick to offer up forgiveness, but never forget…Elephants). To “forget it” is quite often a counterfeit for forgiveness.
Both Terry Anderson and the Pope followed Jesus’ admonition… “You must forgive them, not just accept your sad lot”.
If I’ve caused any hurt to others, I want to be able to have the courage to admit it and to ask for forgiveness. If I’ve been the one to be hurt, I want to be enough in tune with myself and my self-importance to be able to forgive others, as well.
CHAPTER FIVE
Real Men are Prayerful….They Adore and They Praise
A living, breathing example of this is Joanne Metcalf at Colonial. She loves to hug and get people together to point out someone who did something special…to praise them. Both Joanne and others have taught your mother and me how much better our lives are when we pray. We also have learned some very interesting things this year. It is that prayers offered by more than one person are truly answered.
Praying individually requires that you’re in communication with God and are properly disposed to listen as well as to speak to Him. To take a short time to reflect on something beautiful that God has provided…even a comfortable bed and peace and quiet, so I can pray. I’m getting to the point in my life when I’ve finally figured out that I can’t do everything and can’t be in charge. (Tough thing for a Marine, you know!) “Letting go” and “letting God” take over is a huge step.
I did it a couple of years ago and our business doubled. We prayed for a friend’s sister that her ailment would go away. A quick series of events took her from her family doctor to Mayo Hospital and a quick diagnosis led her to relief easily prescribed. Coincidence? Not on your life. Coincidence is simply God’s way of showing us his sense of humor. These and many, many more examples led me to always expect the unexpected. In good time, the answers appear. They don’t come like lightning bolts, statues that move, or pictures of Jesus that smile at me when I go by. The answers to sincere prayers come in God’s time. Sometimes the answer is “no” also.
I think often of the special times (gifts) you’ve given to me Brian. By being involved in the Jazz band and giving me the privilege of being at the concerts. I really enjoyed them and remember fondly Timmy beating a make-believe drum or saying very LOUDLY, “There’s Bri Bri!” Men understand adoration. That’s what that last paragraph was…sticking to the subject and dwelling on it. I’m sincere about the Jazz band. I know you’re aware of that, I really get excited and want to whistle and shout when the song is over.
Our friend Joanne has also taught us about how much better it is to praise someone than to ignore them or short-shrift them. Beautiful results come from telling someone they’re special because of who they are and what they’ve done. This has been a difficult area for me, personally, when it comes to your children. I have expected far too much from those closest to me. I’m learning though to let go of those expectations and to enjoy more the ebb and flow of family life. I’m trying to spot more opportunities to praise and want to take advantage of them. I’ve grown up with sayings like “You’ll catch more flies with honey”. It just takes more time for me to “get it”. I hope I live long enough to get it right!
It is important to pray, to praise, to adore, to be thankful, and to be able to say I’m sorry every now and then. It’s okay. It’s what real men do.
One last thought on prayer. It’s also okay to be bold…to not only ask God for what you want but to ask BIG. Expect the unexpected and be patient. The answers will come!
CHAPTER SIX
Real Men Are Tempted
The comedian W.C. Field said, “I can resist anything except a good temptation”. A temptation has been defined as “The Ants in the Pants of Fate” It is really all around us. The evil one is always there. Playboy’s (the world’s message is there….” Listen, you sorry exclusive for a man, read me, wear my ox-sweat, drink my booze…I’ll make you a man!” Madison Avenue and the Media are there too, trying to send us other messages telling us what to do, what to wear, what to drive–all to be a man!
There are over 120 listed addictions that we can fall victim to. W.C. would probably say, “It’s hard to get them all in, in a lifetime”.
When I was in Vietnam, one of my worst fears was stepping on a mine or tripping a booby trap. I would take pains to constantly scan the ground in front of me, and walk along the tracks that were recently created by a jeep, truck, tank, or autos ahead of me. I avoided disturbed ground. I avoided easy, channelized paths through jungle underbrush in favor of creating a new (harder to walk) path. I avoided shortcuts.
In our lives, we are constantly tempted to take shortcuts…to fall victim to temptations like avoiding taxes, not staying within the speed limit, having another drink – for the road…all kinds of temptations. Jesus was tempted by the devil after 40 days of fasting. Urged to turn a stone into bread, claim the kingdom and jump off the tower to prove God’s presence, He sent the devil packing… blew him off!
We are constantly tempted as well. Paul’s letter to the Ephesians describes the suit of armor, the belt, the shoes, the helmet, and the shield…all necessary for resisting temptation. A damn good set of 782 gear!
CHAPTER SEVEN
Real Men Sin
In past years we’ve learned a lot as a family about right and wrong. We’ve learned that there is a lot of blame and shame in our lives and that it’s a good thing to avoid those two things.
Sin comes when we aren’t expecting it sometimes. A frog, when placed in hot water will jump out. That same frog when placed in cool water in a pan on the stove will stay in the pan as the heat is turned on. He will acclimate to the changing temperature until he is cooked in boiling water. That frog can (and does in many cases) represent our acceptance of societal ideas of what’s right and wrong, while ignoring the basic laws of God. Sin comes in many colors and shades. Simple ingratitude and simple forgetfulness are the sorts of indifferent behaviors that lead us into the brambles where we might find ourselves with other lost sheep.
Timmy’s favorite storybook sometime ago was “Conokio” as he said it. A book that very descriptively paints a life of sin for the “bad boys” where you grow donkey’s ears and bray instead of talking.
Developing a healthy understanding of sin is a necessary step in being a man. Basically, knowing that certain behaviors are wrong and then, having gone ahead and done them anyways, is a sin, is an important knowledge base. There are a lot of men out there that are in the “should haves” I should have done this or should have done that or I should have known that that was important. I should have spent more time with my family….to have loved them more. It’s important to know that we all trip up at times. It’s important to know that we can be sorry for the pain we cause others…that we can seek their forgiveness…that we can be forgiven and, that this forgiveness can be a mandate for changes in our lives. It’s important to know that we can be a sinner and that we are loved by a forgiving God. That we can change after realizing that we are loved so much.
Remember that touching story of the prodigal son who, after living in the wild world, crashing to the depths of despair and hunger, comes back up the path to the farm home. He’s met with a hearty embrace by a waiting, tearful father, clothed in a new robe, new sandals and hosted at a celebration feast. You’ve heard that one before, I know.
It’s interesting to study the older brother, Brian. He was really irritated that the father would lavish such attention and tears on the brother who took his share and blew it. He was so angry that he wouldn’t join the party. He told the father that he was working his butt off all the time, his little brother was screwing around, and that the father owed him more. The father’s reply might have been, “I thought you worked because you enjoyed it, lighten up! “My son was gone and now he’s back home again – safe and sound! I can’t tell you the happiness and joy I feel in my heart…come celebrate my joy!”
There are a lot of self-righteous folks out there that can’t let go and get in the spirit of joy and happiness that comes from knowing we are forgiven and we are loved.
Real men do sin and they struggle to regain acceptance and dignity. In the struggles, there are those who experience growth in their spirituality.
The faithful Father is always there to accept us like our old friend, Popeye … “I am what I am and that’s how I come”. It’s okay to be glad, full of joy, and accepting of ourselves…both our giftedness and our weaknesses!
CHAPTER EIGHT
Real Men Are Intimate
It sounds to me like every woman in the world must be waiting for that perfect man to sit down and share his innermost feelings with her. Some lengthy sort of verbal communication about how you feel … in great detail! Not, “I dunno”! They all want to know that we have feelings in that in-between space, you know? The space just below our necks and above our genitals.
I’m not talking about sexual intimacy, which is usually the first thing that comes to mind with men. This is a more basic kind of intimacy. It has to do with intimacy (closeness) in relationships…both with men and with women.
A typical obstacle to intimacy is the lack of listening skills by the other party — they don’t listen, hence they don’t invite intimacy.
A very strange thing has happened to me in the past 5 or 6 years. When I am sharing some intimate feelings, about my own self, I am opening myself up to ridicule or put-downs. Instead, the others I share these feelings with explode with their own feelings. They are (as it turns out) carrying a load of baggage themselves and they are grateful for someone with whom to share them. Our sharing becomes a real bond between the two of us and I find us getting together on many more occasions.
I think it is important to share intimate thoughts with close friends, girlfriends, men friends as well as your family — all are likely targets for intimate talks. Your wife someday will be that special person with whom you’ll share thoughts as well as intimate physical time together.
The process of recognizing that inner defense ring (the obstacle) is very important. We all have one. How deep is it? Does it allow us to let go and to be free to share our feelings openly? This comes with maturity and a strong sense of self-importance that gives us the courage and confidence to be vulnerable. Your fraternity brothers and your Navy/Marine Corps Buddies will be important to you in this area, I expect.
CHAPTER NINE
Real Men Have Compassion
One of the best examples of compassion is the story of the Good Samaritan. Also, Sister Teresa, (Now called Mother Teresa). When we can make up our own story of helping someone else who is sick, hurt, tired, hungry, or imprisoned…then we can know that we also have compassion.
Your work in the pursuit of charitable events sponsored by your fraternity puts you in just such a position!
An interesting turn-around story was told to us at Demontreville. A straight-laced priest who had actually become a Cardinal was on a 30-day retreat. He came there believing God to be a strict taskmaster who was viewed by the Cardinal as having a scowling face while glaring at the Cardinal who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. God made him put the cookie back and then slammed the lid on the jar. After the retreat, he came away with a far different view. His hand was still in the cookie jar, but God was there smiling and telling him to take two cookies.
My favorite image again is of the father who waits and waits for the prodigal son to come home. I can feel this man’s compassion come through each time I hear it.
Who stops along the roadside for you? Who around us displays compassion? Compassion to me is the automatic response I have to recognize someone’s need and to move positively to help them. Someone who has fallen or who has dropped something requires us to make an immediate reaction to help them. Even when exhausted, the little guys cry out at night and I’ll get up to be with them. To reach out and make others feel better either physically or by changing my plans to accommodate them is how I view compassion. Stepping outside yourself to encourage, appreciate, or otherwise show others that you care is compassion. There’s room in the military for compassion…lots of room! “To know that someone breathes easier because of something I have done” is one of my criteria for success in life.
This is something that a man consciously has to decide to do…that is, the conscious decision has to be made and registered in our minds before we can reach it automatically.
CHAPTER 10
Real Men Work
Work has a lot to do with a man’s identity. Typically, one of the first questions asked of or by a man is…”What do you do?”
This same question might be asked of a woman, but only after 5 or 6 other questions are asked ahead of it.
Your work does say a lot about you and who you are. In the final analysis, what you do is not who you are. Whenever you think you’re getting too hung up with yourself and your job, ask yourself this question: “Who am I when I no longer do what I do? It is important for you to be happy with your work and also to know that you’re stretching yourself to learn more and contribute more as you move along in life.
Seeking a balance in your work whereby you are on the edge of learning more and more and keeping your family and other activities in proper perspective.
I’m finding that my work is becoming more and more meaningful to me as I develop more good relationships with people connected to the job.
CHAPTER 11
Real Men Are Sexual
For fathers to simply say to their sons, “Act responsibly” in matters of sexuality is analogous to tossing them the keys to the car and turning them loose on the L.A. freeway system without guidance as to the operation of a high-performance car or the dangers of the traffic.
There are a host of beautiful gifts that we receive….gifts of life. Your humor, your intelligence, and your athletic and musical abilities are some. Our male sexuality is certainly one of the gifts. With this gift created to bring us great joy, ecstasy, and happiness comes responsibilities and the need to establish healthy boundaries. Sexual intimacy is a sacred, precious thing. It needs to be treated with dignity, not as an animal act.
With a strong sense of male sexuality, comes a strong positive sense of response for women.
The word “appropriateness” seems to say a lot in matters related to sexual behavior and how we both recognize and honor our sexuality. Sexual boundaries exist and can be found at different stages of our lives. When we are single, the appropriate sexual expressions are hugging, hand-holding, and kissing. When married, the boundaries expand to intercourse and other intimate actions.
Enjoying sexual relations with a woman at these different stages must also be done for the right reasons. If we are upset, for example, we probably need to talk to someone, not have sexual relations with them.
Once again, Playboy’s (society’s) version of sexuality might suggest the need for us to love like some great warrior so that she hears a 21-gun salute. That is not the answer.
It is also important to be a gentle, considerate man when it comes to sexual matters and intimacy with your wife. The gentle tenderness that characterizes true love and true respect between a man and his wife can extend in some ways to other relationships. Perhaps what I am writing about here crosses over into “masculinity” and the healthy, appropriate ways to show our strong, vigorous male characteristics. Examples of these ways may be a warm hug and a kiss for Mom, a hearty laugh, and a warm embrace for my children and for other good friends.
Being a man and enjoying your sexuality and masculinity in healthy, appropriate ways is great fun! It is truly a gift! Enjoy!
CHAPTER 12
Real Men Are On A Pilgrimage
Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”. As we move through life, there are definite stages and events that we go through. The path is an interesting one. It takes us past beautiful flower gardens, alongside healthy, well-cultivated fields that yield good crops. We see dusty, rocky soil that doesn’t support growth and we see brambles that tear at our clothes and our flesh as we go by them. Our lives are a constant, dynamic flow of events that requires us to be open to trust, to know what might lay ahead, and to be prepared to deal with events. A common pilgrimage for a man might be something like this:
Age 18: Pulling up Stakes…off to college or job or military. Some sense of our identity but still searching. Searching for the truth “Who am I?” What about my sexuality? How confident am I really? A time to be “heads-up” and aware of the evil one.
Mid 20’s: Preoccupied with the external, maybe married. Maybe children. I’m better with my intimacy now. Maybe I’ll settle down into a job I like. Maybe there’s a mentor in my life to look up to and to emulate. I’m putting my dreams into place now.
Early 30s: This is a time in a man’s life when Huck Finn meets Lee Iococa. Success may be more difficult now and it’s hard to grow up and let go of some of the sports, the crazy stuff. Time to commit to the kids.
40’s: Mid-life. A time when we often have to face up to the fact that our parents aren’t always going to be players in our lies. Values are thrown up for re-evaluation. I’m my own man! A merciless age for some. Big time for decisions affecting the next generation. Spending time with the kids.
50’s and on. Time for decisions. A more stable time. Accepting limitations with some sadness. Can’t always make it happen. Questioning who and what I am. I can say I’m occupied with finding everyday joys. A time for letting go some more.
Past the early 50’s, Brian, I can’t tell you much.
I love the story about Gordy Howe’s dad. Gordy was still playing hockey in his 50’s. A St. Paul reporter interviewed his old man who was 81 then and asked him, somewhat playfully, at what age a man’s sexual prowess leaves. He said, “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask someone older”.
This is a lot to expect you to be interested in Brian. The message is really simplified by saying only that life is constantly changing with the seasons as does a flower bed.
We need only to be aware of impending changes and to keep our flower bed free of weeds.
This is a constant maintenance program but a joyful pilgrimage!
CHAPTER 13
Real Men Are Joyful
Joy is an A+ feeling! The most powerful and successful people in the history of the world were joyful people. Joy presupposes a profound disinterest in ourselves.
For us to share conversations with others (for example) listening to how big the fish was that they caught without interrupting them to “one-up” them with our story, is joy.
To listen to others share stories of their children, again without “one-up-ing” them is to nurture a sense of joy.
Pure joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God in our lives.
I believe that your future and that of all of us around you have hope and joy written all over it.
Well, Brian, I finally did write this 18th birthday gift for you. I’m not sorry to be so late because I believe you might be more interested in it now. You’re a leader amongst your fraternity and Navy friends now and you’ll find yourself in a leadership role in one form or another your entire life. Reflect on all of these things now and fill in your own blanks. Perhaps you can add to this book and share these and your other thoughts with those you lead…including your children.
You are a terrific young man with a lot to offer others. Make the most of your giftedness and package it for sharing!
Happy (belated) Birthday!
EPILOGUE
Fathers & Sons – Part II
As sons leave the nest and enter their own worlds, sometimes fathers are far away and not always as accessible physically or geographically. Other, older men may find themselves Mentors for their sons…someone for them to look up to and to follow. Life is full of good men and full of good messages and instructions for living it to the fullest.
The Old Testament’s books of Proverbs and Psalms are ripe with good advice for young (and old) men. My heart’s prayer for you, Brian, as you leave the nest comes from the 1st Chapters of both books and is my blessing for you:
Dearest Lord, teach Brian to be generous.
Teach him to serve you as you Deserve.
To fight and not to heed the wounds.
To toil and not to seek for rest.
To labor and not to ask for reward…save that of knowing that he is doing your will
Help him to find true happiness: to be a Real Man who rejects the advice of evil men.
To be like a strong tree that is growing beside a life-giving stream…one that bears fruit at the right season and whose leaves do not dry up.
May he succeed in all that he does. May he come to know Wisdom by understanding the greatest of your instructions. To love and value You will all his heart!
May his future be bright! Amen.
To Brian
February 12, 1995
With love from your Step Dad
Dick Van Sickle
DESIDERATA
Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise & haste, & remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment, it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul..
With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be care. Strive to be happy.
A Dry Fly On Pebble Creek 